You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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