I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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