Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
