something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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