Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Four minutes until I can fart!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
