I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
