official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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