Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
