i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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