I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
