Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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