I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
