Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
