i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
