I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
