mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
