I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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