i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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