I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
