Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
