He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
