can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
