I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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