remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
