Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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