You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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