so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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