The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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