we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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