My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
