and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
