you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He passed out mid-signature
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
