You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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