Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
