I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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