nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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