it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
