You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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