why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
