I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
