What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you didnt know i had herpes?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
