can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
