Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
