My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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