Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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