I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
