Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
