To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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