During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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