Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
