I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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