A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
