Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
